feeling tender - 12/07/2025

I find myself feeling more tender as of late. I am overwhelmed by things that would not have done so a year ago, I find my social battery is much lower, and I feel quicker to tears and sadness. I am also annoyed by things and irritated by things that I feel before I would be able to tolerate better. Im not quite sure what has happened that triggered this. Maybe its a casecade of things? Finding myself wanted to stay inside as well, and not do anything has been theme as well. Its very frusrating because I thought I was doing better? I thought I had "cracked the code" and had mastered socialization and my emotions. But lately a bulldozer had taken the bricks and foundations I had setup and tore everything down. At first I thought maybe it was a family emergency that had triggered this bulldozing, but now thats its over and my family is fine, you would figure I would ALSO feel fine. So I feel like there is something else that is going on a well. But Im not quite sure what it is and I find that incrediably frustrating.

My body is suffering along side my mind. I had a terrible reaction yesterday while out clubing, with acid constantly traveling up my throat. My period came after a stressful family emegrency. I got sick from eating strawberries and felt nausous at work. Prehaps GERD is getting so bad that its mentally draining me. Im not so sure. Eating (and drinking) bring me confort and joy, and to have both of thoses thing now to cause me distress is an compound issue.

I also am dreading how booked my weekends and plans have become. Sometimes I wish I was more of a loser so I had less people who would want to plan things with me. Or idk I feel like a few months ago I found myself wanting to make more friends, and now I feel overwhelmed, annoyed, frustrated. Its none of my friends faults. I really do care for them. but I sorta want to recluse myself and move at a slower pace. God I ate some pizza to eat something and now my stomach hurts again FUCK.

I also crave a more intimate relationship - platonic or not. I had a very intense friendship a while ago and I kinda miss that. Not that a partner would fix my issues. Prehaps its is more like larger socialization can be a lot for me rn. I also just kinda miss doing really simple hangouts. I did have a nice movie hangout today and that was pretty nice.

I wish I knew how to fix it. People keep saying "oh its seasonal depression time" and yada yada but at least to me, this tenderism, is not just seasonal depression. I want to find a more artistical way to describe it without having to go to to similes and metaphors. Or at least I would prefer a metaphor. I find them much more cool and interesting then a simile.. Like to better label the cause of my tenderness. To name the beast or thing or event that caused it to surface. But maybe its hard to name something that you can't really see or even quite understand. I probably need to be more patient to try to understand what is going on.

Maybe part of it is this intense feeling to try to label and make sense of everything. Its a very human desire. Oh god ive gotten so off topic but thats ok. I just kinda wanted to write something for my blog, and not do anything too intensive for it. I felt like writing my feelings, esp since ive beening feeling emotions more intensely that writing would be helpful. im not if it has been. In a way i just feel like its a "awww woe is me. boo hoo i am depressed blah blah blah". Maybe I just want my feeling to be more important and special then just "depression". Or something else then depresssion that is deeply personal to only me. Tenderism, feeling tender, feeling tenderly.

I have never been good with words

maybe I just dont have the right understand to name it, beyond the vague artist term of tender. Depression could also just feel overplayed to me. Maybe its a mixture of autistic burnout, quarter life crisis, seasonal depression, late-stage capitalism, and interpersonal family issues that have turned into a beast beyond the word depression. I have felt depressed before. Its not like I am immune to it. But it feels just different. Once again I never have been good with words, so prehaps I just dont have the right word. So for now Its just Tender.

I dont really feel like doing a cheesy sign off atm. But I am tired, and I dont want to keep thinking about this any more.