flagellance and Dunes - 04/02/2026

Tw: suicide, self-flagellance, cutting.

if you are feeling suicidal, please call your local hotline, loved ones, or other trusted person. We only have one life.

The last two weeks have been stressful for me and my family. There was a string of suicide attempts from loved ones. I am not new to the pain of when a faimly member tries to commit. Does not make it easier though. Its hard to talk about with people too. Im probably gonna get a therapist again so I can talk about it more I suppose. Its not really something most people can help or listen to. Or at least I feel its too heavy to talk about my feelings at length. Even here I don't want to share many details, as for one the privacy of my family, and two I worry about the reader who may read this. I do feel like I can share my own feelings, though here at least.

There a feeling of helplessness you feel when someone tries to commit suicide. You also feel angry, confused, shocked - You also feel tender. Everything hurts. Your shoulders hurt, peoples words hurt more, work you can't focus on. You feel that something is inheritly wrong with the world. New ways to suffer. You wish you could have helped them sooner, before it got so bad.

I also want to say, that although I am suffering, my pain is not that matches thoses who try to commit of course. I am doing ok. I am in pain, but I have a strong support system. No one lives without suffering. My pain is less then others. At the end of the day I live a life of comfort. Who am I to complain. I suppose i am being self flagellant. I hate that I feel pain, when there are thoses who suffering is greater then mine. What a selfish person I am. The sickness of the culture of the individual. I am a parasyte. I live off the suffering of others. American culture is one that only brings suffering to the world. Prehaps this is the price that devils must face. How many people have suffered so that I can endlessly consume and create waste.

how self flagellant. Sorry. I guess im not ok. I do feel pretty awful actually. I feel sick whenever I eat, everyone around me wants to die, and god the state of this country. I am not feeling super great, and I think thats ok. I think it would be more messed up if I felt nothing.

A few days later

The nice thing about my new format is that I can just create new sections now for the same journal which is nice.

As much as suicide can be a tramatic thing, I am glad that no one actually died. No comas, no coffins. You get caught up in the terribleness of it all, and forget how much worse it could have gotten. Ive also talked to some close friends about what has happened. More details then I feel comfortable telling the internet. Bonding over the equally shitty things happpening around us. Its depressing to talk about, but at the same time its nice to share your pains with each other. Plus was able to see my family. Got to play some wii bowling (my mom won lol) and then the next day we had chicago style hotdogs at my parents place.

I had to take off some time at work to deal with everything that was going on. Also took that time to deal with my ear as well. I thought I was going deaf, but it turns out my ear was just clogged with excessive wax. I think i was so distracted by the chaos in my life, and putting of getting help for myself made me feel so much worse. Turns out when you lose one of your senses it causing lot of pain. Help yourself first, so that then you can help others. That saying does hold truth to it after all. Im not 100% okay. but, thats fine, expected, and normal. Suicide is a tramatic event for everyone involved. All I can do is support my family, be there for others, and make sure I am taking care of my self so that I can help others.